How is my hope?

I can't help my dipressing mode now,
It's not only because of him, or really not because of him.
I think what I'm missing is not him, but the life in Vienna.
But if I back to Vienna?
I think I miss him,
It's a big big change,

Like I realised,
When England sent me back to Japan, I could change my mind immidiately.
but now?
Why can't I change my mind for positive?

I could cry about this now,
What a situation.
I'm so faithful in love and trustful person,
And Kristian seems not,
And I never must not think about I can change him.

I have to have a look if he is going to change by himself.

Portugal is a big event for us,
Without this it cannot happen with us, maybe, this big change,
that we realised that we are in love,

But It's like my mind changing every minutes,
that I want to meet him in Portugal or whereever he goes, as soon as possible.
but on the other hand, I should spend my independent life, that doesn't make sense to chase him til Portugal.

Anyway still nothing changed,
I have to wait for my visa, and never know how long it will takes,
Pray for that will coming soon,
yes, it will coming soon, could be tomorrow I will recieve some news.
Ja, it is possible, I would think like that.
It's coming tomorrow.

How do I wish for him now?

I wish he could come to me.
But then what about his life?
He can spend time in Vienna like last some years but he will be board.
me too, i can't change life.
The best way would be we could meet somewhere and travel together.

I was thinking about again,
me and kristian, during the dishes,

like Timea said, when I looking for somebody,
They wont apper.
And suddenly kristian came in to my life.
And that was the time I didn't need anybody,
I was very independent,
After earthquake,
I think I realised that it is so happy to be holded someone's arm.

I never had a feeling of just "needy" someone.
If there is possibility, I would fall in love with somebody,
But I never betray my boy friend by sleeping with anyoneelse.

I don't know what going to be happen to us in the future,
I say, he is the first guy that I imagined to have life.
Would be great to share life with all of our friends in Vienna. but it is not actually our plan, then maybe we can start in Portgul.
It's not a loss what happening to us,
it's just challenge.
We will see each other and do the things together.
That's what I wanted to do now.

Just how the day shines will be we are together.
Ja, could be happen in one month if I got message from the embassy tomorrow and in 1 week + 10days it makes 10th of July, and will back to Vienna then I will fly to Portugal imideately!

is it the waste of Money?
No, I don't need to save it now,
How can i use it?
travel, yes.
I would go everywhere..
I will spend money but I will save money.
For him, for love, for me and for us.
To make it possible.
The first fly is OK.
Because I've never been there.

Once I've got a news from the embassy, everything is gonna be change.
I still have to be stay positive.

I won't lose this love,
I want to make bloom our relationship.
even if sounds crazy to everyone.